It was pouring in New York City. All weekend. Memorial Day weekend. After giving us beautiful weather all week leading up to it and after it as well. Pure evil, tumultuous buffoonery.
But that's not what I'm here to discuss.
Grown men: you cannot still be using umbrellas.
Using an umbrella is a feminine trait. Just like getting up to use the bathroom on a plane – these are activities reserved for women. Why are you using an umbrella as a man? To be more comfortable? Do you think your ancestors, your forefathers used umbrellas? Did they not survive?
We live in a world of instant gratification – you want a snack; you go to the bodega and can have one in 5 minutes. You want a woman's attention; you download an app and have it even faster. You want to talk to a friend, you text instead of scheduling a rendezvous; you want to watch a movie, you stream it instead of going to the theater.
At what point did we decide to dispel the discomfort from every point of our lives? Are we living embodiments of the Severance procedure?
It rained all weekend. I did not let them dim my sparkle for a second. I was out of the house the whole time; 19,000 steps Friday, 15,000 steps Saturday, 21,000 on Sunday and 21,000 more on Monday. It rained. I didn't carry an umbrella.
Guess what? I dried off. I woke up each morning. I woke up today.
I didn't have a cold. Not a cough, not a sore throat. I wasn't less rested. I wasn't still wet in the mornings. I got home from my endeavors each day, I dried off, I took a shower. I was marginally uncomfortable for a little bit each of those days.
Now you're probably thinking, "Sure, Aidan, this worked this time. But every time?"
If I did wake up with a cold, I would have dealt with it. In a week, I would have gotten better. If I hadn't been well-rested, I would have powered through the exhaustion. If I had still been wet (somehow), I would have grabbed a towel.
You know what felt the best about not carrying an umbrella? I was free. I was free to hold my phone in my hand as I called my dad while having another hand readily available. I was able to hop on a Citi bike and venture east through the elements to meet an elegant young lady. When I met said lady, I was able to hold her umbrella for her (over her head, not mine), because I had free hands. I was able to check the bus schedule with ease and joie de vivre. I was able to wet my hair at will and style it in any fashion I so chose. I was able to experience the cascading droplets of rain falling onto my head and body because life is too short to avoid experiencing all it has to offer. And here we are – today, sunny. Tomorrow is not guaranteed – you never know when the last rain comes, and I'm glad I haven't squandered a single chance to appreciate that.
A man should look for every opportunity to put himself in uncomfortable situations. Women are dainty and pretty, they are allowed to use umbrellas – but who are we to be their protectors if we are falling victim to their same comforting transgressions? Anyone can be dry – that's easy. Just like getting up to use the restroom on an airplane. That's not the point.
Not using an umbrella is the environmental equivalent of going to the gym, or reading, or eating healthily. It would be far easier to sit on the couch, to doomscroll, to eat like garbage – to use an umbrella. But if we're down here on earth playing the game of life on rookie mode, what's really the point?