In the weeks leading up to the beginning of his second term, Donald Trump has (as expected) been making all kinds of headlines. The latest, you ask? The potential acquisition of Canada, Greenland, and Panama. While Canada seems to be mostly a troll, and Panama both unrealistic and unnecessary, Greenland seems to be very much in play. Already a territory itself, the transaction structure is sure to be easier than that of a nation, and geographically it makes sense to have land near Russia in the current geopolitical state. So, if Don were able to pull this off, where would the acquisition of Greenland rank all-time?
10.
Washington Nationals' Acquisition of Max Scherzer
The 2015 MLB offseason ERUPTED when the greatest pitcher of the 2010s inked a deal to come to the nation's capital over 29 MLB franchises. Shortly after, Max won back-to-back Cy Youngs, while making National League hitters look like they were swinging with toothpicks. The apex of his tenure came in Year 5, when Max started Game 7 of the 2019 World Series, and helped deliver a title to Washington – and secured me the best day of my life.
9.
Alaska Purchase
After careful negotiations, the United States entered into a purchase agreement to acquire Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million. The land – highly uncoveted by all – was purchased for the equivalent of $129 million. That's approximately the amount the Miami Heat are paying 6th man of the year Tyler Herro from 2022 to 2026. The United States bought Alaska – and the aura that comes with it – for four years of Tyler Herro.
8.
Carolina Panthers' Acquisition of the First Pick in the 2023 NFL Draft
Ridiculed for months by many, Bryce Young has proven the haters wrong. The Panthers trading up in the 2023 draft to acquire the 1st overall pick from the Bears has proven to be one of the great draft moves of all time. Bryce Young is your mom's favorite player and looks to be a staple of the Charlotte-based franchise. After finishing the year with a string of quality losses, the Panthers will be what every talking head calls their "sneaky playoff team" come August 2025.
7.
My Acquisition of an Air Fryer in 2023
Are you telling me I can throw raw chicken in a box, sprinkle it with spices, hit a button, and when I return 24 minutes later, I have crispy, juicy, delectable fried chicken at my disposal? And all I had to do was spend $50 at a Vienna, Virginia-based Walmart? The only problem with this acquisition is that it wasn't done years earlier.
6.
Glenn Powell's Acquisition of Women's Hearts Over the Summer
A "The Onion" headline from over the summer said most Americans are way too distracted by politics to acknowledge the summer Glenn Powell is having. Don't worry, Glenn, I noticed. When 'Twisters' dropped over the summer, it felt like every girl with a phone made a TikTok of them sweating watching it – and he was in a flannel and hat the whole time.
5.
Trump's Acquisition of Greenland
To the common eye this may seem silly, but it actually makes a lot of sense. For one, if you look at a globe rather than the typical rectangular map, Greenland is actually really close to us. Second, as I mentioned earlier, having land close to Russia is a great call considering how terrified Putin is of Trump. Third, Greenland has so few people and such limited infrastructure that it would take virtually no effort to control. And fourth, when we do eventually conquer Canada, we'll be able to go at it from all sides.
4.
Denver Broncos' Acquisition of Peyton Manning
I was maybe 11 years old when the Broncos acquired Peyton Manning. And even at such a young and impressionable age, I was like, yeah, the Colts shouldn't have done that. Who knows if I was right or wrong about that given Andrew Luck's success and the impending demise of his career, but Peyton Manning was awesome. I still fall asleep thinking about that 2013 season, and that primetime game against the Ravens when he hung 100 touchdown passes in the first half. More importantly, he prevented Cam Newton from winning a Super Bowl – Cam Newton with a Super Bowl would be insufferable.
3.
Oklahoma's Acquisition of Baker Mayfield
I used the word "aura" earlier and I use it far, far too often. But if you look it up in the dictionary you will see a gif of Baker Mayfield waving, and subsequently planting, the OU flag in Columbus, Ohio. After injuries and Patrick Mahomes (and Davis Webb) derailed the potentially promising Texas Tech career of Baker Mayfield, the Sooners made the most important acquisition of the university's history in signing Baker Mayfield. Baker could have won three straight Heisman awards, but instead settled for only one, along with a top 5 most exciting college mixtape of all time.
2.
My Buddy John's Acquisition of the Uber Home from the Bar the Other Night
It's 1:45am and the bartender cues up closing time, we're downtown, a far way from the suburbs. The tab has run dry and I've gotten 3 texts from my bank telling me I've exceeded my spending limits for the hour. Pay day is in 14 days and a $24 Uber is the last thing I want to see run across my screen. Needing subtitles to speak, I go to request the Uber X. When out of nowhere, John pulls up, goes, "I got this," and takes care of us for the night. I tell him I got him next time, and we both know that's not true. Shoutout to John, great acquisition.
1.
Louisiana Purchase
The investment banker behind the Louisiana Purchase must have been hammered. "Let's double the size of our country by buying enemy land for the cost of 60% of Patrick Mahomes' contract" (adjusted for inflation). As a result, America gained ownership of some of earth's greatest things: the Mississippi River, the University of Nebraska football team, global dominance, Des Moines, the land that would one day hold Mount Rushmore, and of course, more aura.